Edward's Diary
by capitaine-awesome
Summary: Companion fanfic to "A new Cullen Family". Edward's POV on everything. Starts out with deciding leaving Bella. Have fun reading it... Although, it's kinda dark and twisty and a bit heart breaking until he reunites with Bella, but, what the heck... Enjoy!
1. Dear Diary ?

(I know that I already posted the chapter but his 2 words were missing on the end which just couldn't be left out.)

This is Edward's diary.

It's a companion fanfic to „A new Cullen Family".

This first chapter is after Bella's birthday party.

Edward is making a crucial decision.

If you ask me, Edward is a very complex character, putting Bella's happiness infront of his own. He is very torn between everything.

Especially in this chapter.

I hope you enjoy it.

I am so sorry for putting "Babysitting Bella" on hold. But I just don't want to write a crappy second chapter, I want to make it real good.

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September 13th

Dear Diary,

All I have written about is Bella. She is my life, she has become a part of myself, my being and existence. When I breathe, I breathe for her, when I look up into the sky, I see the stars, and just that many stars and so much more is how much I love her.

I don't even think "Love " is the proper word. Loving somebody means that you're so close to somebody that there's no space left between you to fill out, but we're not close. We are not standing next to each other, we are each other. At least she is me. She is my happiness, my soul, my Everything. When I look at her, I see all those little things I love about her. It takes a strong person to give yourself up to somebody completely, I am not that person. I love her sooo much, it hurts. The only thing I know is; I want to be with her.

BUT, Loving somebody truly means putting their happiness and wellbeing over your own. She is human. She will find happiness, but I can't see her getting hurt any more because of me. I want her to have everything she has ever dreamed of. I want her to be with the best person in the entire world. It's not me. I will love her forever. That's out of question, but I am not good for her. She is the only thing that makes sense in my life. When Jasper nearly attacked her, I wished I could have done something to prevent it. Jasper wasn't to blame. I want to be with her so much, I wish there was something I could have given in order to make her safe, even if it was myself.

Today has been the hardest day of my entire life. My decision is clear. I am going to leave her. It's what's best for her. I love her too much to let anybody hurt her, even if it meant protecting her from myself. A clean break, whatever. I can't think about it.

In order to make her safe, I'll have to hurt her, one more time and never again.

Bella was a fragile human. She would get over it, get over me. Every moment I spend thinking about leaving her, this hole inside myself is enlargening.

I talked with Carlisle and he understood. Esme and Alice weren't supportive, but they respected my decision.

Why?

It's a simple question but there aren't any answers. If there existed a god, WHY would he do this to me?

All of me was tearing up, just everything. There was this one side of me which selfishly wanted to be with Bella, whatever may come and then there was this other side of me which knew that there was a decision to make and it better be the right one. Making the right decision is never the easy one. In order to do the right I had to make sacrifices. Making sacrifices was hard, but nothing was hard enough to make Bella safe, to keep her safe.

I never was the type for crying when I was human, but right now, I wish I could.

Crying was supposed to be a relief, I wanted this relief. I couldn't stay with Bella, I would just be hazardous to her safety. I hated myself for going to leave her, but I would have hated myself much more if I put my selfish desire of wanting to be with her in front of her wellbeing.

I love Bella more than my own life.

She is my priority.

Giving her the chance of a normal life was all I had left to give her. She would grow up to be an amazing person and one day she would find somebody, some man and be happy. She would live in an adorable house with him, marry him and have children. Just like it was supposed to be. I wish it were me, the man marrying her giving himself to her, having a child together with her. All those things were attributes of a normal life. She deserved it, so much. I couldn't give that to her, so I am deciding to giver the chance to it.

Why can't it be me? I want it to be me. I can't put her in danger. I can't damn her to my world. My existence isn't supposed to be, why then am I suffering. If there is a god, then this is his way of punishing me for being what I am; something that should never have come to existence in the very first place. I was hurting and all this pain drew my heart apart, the pain separated it into pieces. It didn't shatter, that would have been easy, no; this was slow. If somebody kills you, you wish they shoot you right away so the pain will stop, if you're lucky they'll shot you in the head and everything is over in a second. If you're not lucky they'll torture you, they will make you die slowly, real slow, crucifying you for all your sins. I wish I would have been shot, but this is torture, it's slow and painful. Every cell in my body is dying at such a slow pace, I shouldn't feel it.

I won't go to the Volturi, that would be getting shot. Besides, I know that Bella wouldn't want me to die. I didn't know how much she loved me, but if I killed myself, she would blame herself and suffer, so I was going to carry on my existence, even if it meant enduring the torture, the pain, the "before" of what was going to come.

It was only fair; maybe it was the punishment for hurting Bella.

I can't take it. This is guilt, this … I can't describe it. I don't want to think, I don't want to feel anything. Only a night ago, I was making love to her. Now, I was running away like a coward, this doesn't make sense, none of it does.

Why do I keep repeating myself over and over again?

Why are there so many questions with nobody to answer them?

This is pure misery.

When I look at the moon, it's as big as my thumb, not more or less. Will it be the same size when I'm somewhere else? When I'm away from her.

I wanted to marry Bella one day. I wish my birth parents could have met her, they would have been so proud. I was planning on taking her some day there. Carlisle and Esme were my family but I wanted Bella to know everything about me, I wanted to share with her my past from the beginning. By leaving Bella, I was not only taking her from me, I was taking her away from my family, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Carlisle and Emmett.

My birth mother always wished for me to meet a nice girl, Bella was this girl. I didn't want Bella to meet my birth parents, or better said, their graves because I wanted it for me, I wanted to take her there because I knew if they would live right now, they would be proud of me. It would make them happy.

I imagined her to take her to my parents' grave some day. I imagined introducing her to them. Carlisle had ensured that after their death they were buried in a grave.

Every now and then I would visit it, it never was more than a few minutes, but I felt it was necessary to pay my respects to them. Not out of duty, or pure respect, but because they were my parents. I always brought flowers, red roses. They were my mother's favourites. She always loved the contradiction of something simple like roses. They were beautiful on the outside, but if you weren't careful you could be hurt. Those few minutes I spent at my parents' graves were a part of me, my innermost. I wanted her to also be a part of this.

This was only one thing I had planned out. It was one of hundreds. All those plans were drowned by the tears to come. I understood that I had to be punished for what I had done to Bella and was going to do tomorrow, but it never had been my intention to hurt anybody. Bella was the first thing I ever wanted in my life and I thought it was all right if I took it. But she wasn't mine to take. Yet, I have never felt this miserable in my entire existence. What was lying ahead? Why couldn't anybody tell me what the future was going to bring? Was it the right decision to let Bella go? Was she going to be happy? How long was it going to take her to overcome my departure?

I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but in the end, I was only a 17-year old guy who was trying to do the right thing, once again.

I am ready. It's a lie, but I'll have to lie to myself, otherwise I won't make it.

I have to, there's no other choice. If there was a way for me to exist without hurting anybody, I'd be glad to walk down this path.

Maybe even that was too selfish. Maybe my sole purpose was to suffer and hurt people in order for them to see all the evil in the world.

Ok, now I am not making any sense any more. I have to go hunting, clear my mind, even if I don't deserve it. I need to talk with Carlisle. Maybe he can help me to make some sense out of this, not for my sake, but for Bella's.

Just right now, I realized, I'll never be able to say the words to her again. 8 Letters, 3 words.

Tomorrow, I wouldn't say them, and after that there was no "Us", there was no future, there was just black.

This is suffocating me,

Edward A. Cullen

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If you liked this chapter please review. I want to hear your thoughts.

Should I continue the story?

If I continue "Edward's Diary" every review gets a teaser.

I do not know when and if I'll post the next chapter because I'm currently drowning in school work, but if you guys like the diary I will continue it. Promise.

As always, let me hear your thoughts. Don't hesitate to PM me if there's some diary entry you'd like to read, I'll try to write it.


	2. Fearful Symmetry

CHAPTER 2 EDWARD'S DIARY

Hi guys,

I'm back with another chapter of " Mr Depressed's Diary".

To those who also read "A new Cullen Family". I devided everything up that I have written for the next posting and it will be instead of one ultra long chapter, 6 chapters with each 2,000 words more or less.

Still working on it, cause I watched New Moon and altered the chapters a bit after watching the film. I loved it !!!!

I have a new poll up on my profile page, it's for - A new Cullen Family -

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Enjoy Edward's Diary.

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Dear Diary,

I don't know which day it is today all I know is this:

One day, 2 days, three days, I won't go on counting. Fact is they have passed and they won't come back.

Agony, denial, regret, self-hatred, the list is endless…

The family has settled into Denali, more or less.

My relationship with Bella was easy to describe. Her presence made me happy, her absence made me unhappy. The happiness which Bella had brought to me was pure. Compare it with Cocain. The purest of cocain, couldn't even keep up with how happy she made me feel.

Her absence, it took everything from me, I was hollow and lifeless, my mind wasn't even working anymore. The feeling of emptiness, let me describe it like this.

When your afraid; You say: I'm scared.

Imagine somebody abducting you, a kidnapping, the moment were the people realize that there is the 80% possibility that they will never see any of it again, all those things they held dear, a moment so powerful, you loose everything at once, even the determination to live, that's the moment when pure 130% voltage of fear vibrates through their bodies.

This 130% voltage moment, for me it's emptiness, and it doesn't vibrate for a moment, it's persistent, constantly reminding me of everything.

Even if I don't deserve it, writing helps me channelling my emotions.

I have talked with Carlisle, again. He's concerned about me. He said to me; quote "Son, I can't afford to loose you."

How can he demand that from me? Everybody has been thinking about her,

Emmett missed her, Alice missed her, Jasper and Esme and even Rosalie missed her. They all did.

I had not only deprived myself of her presence, but I had deprived my family of a sister, a daughter and a best friend.

When we arrived in Denali, I couldn't believe Tanya's reaction. How can a person be that self-centered? She lunged at me, embracing me, pressing herself against me, it was simply perverted.

All she kept thinking was: "Maybe we could give it another try. After all, she was just human."

I didn't know any better but to shake her off again. There was only one woman I wanted this close and that wasn't her. By shaking her off, I accidently threw her through the wall. Irina and Kate looked at me pretty shocked.

Carlisle had seen it coming. "Son." He warned.

Esme was pretty much concerned. In Emmett's words: She went all Esme on me.

Alice, well, she had her premintions as usual. "Go outside, get some fresh air."

I followed her advice and Emmett followed.

I could for some reason always count on Emmett. "Dude, you threw her through a wall." He pointed out. "She thought those things Emmett, that I would get over Bella easily. The way she pressed her body against mine…" I remember my face disgusted and desperate.

Emmett was always good at brotherly advice. "Edward, it was your choice to leave Bella. Nobody, not even the Volturi can take away your memory of her, but you have to deal with it that there are going to be new and other people in your life aswell."

He is right, but I do not wish to see it. It was my choice to leave her, I had to deal with it. Still, I had her memory locked in my heart, it was my most precious treasure and as Emmett pointed out, noone could take it away from me, but it was my choice to give everything else up.

Pure….

Genuine….

I start writing those phrases and want to fill in the blanks with an adjective that resembles happiness, but I can't and will not because it would be a lie.

Just like Esme who has been lying to me. Well, she did not lie, but she has been trying to hide her feelings and her thoughts from me. When she saw me, she put up a smile on her face and tried to … well, she tried to make me feel better, but it didn't work. It only did in a superficial way.

After one night when she thought I couldn't hear her and she was sobbing in Carlisle's arms desperate, I composed a song for her. After we left Forks, I had given up music, but I owed it to my mother to create the illusion for her I was at least trying.

When I played the song for her, all of my siblings and Carlisle knew it was just for her sake but nonetheless it was appreciated.

After the song ended, I felt even more hollow than before. Everything I did reminded me of her, even if it was a song, composed for my mother, it reminded me of her.

I nearly forgot to mention; Tanya accepted my apology, although I would have loved to smack her against a few hundred walls when she thought "How can a human girl dare to tear him apart like this." Bella hadn't torn me apart, her absence did.

I hated myself for leaving Bella, but what Tanya insinuated was that I should blaim Bella for breaking my heart. How dare she!

I couldn't blame Bella, I blamed the circumstances and myself,

Just to imagine how everything had turned out if I were human.

That's the problem, she'd be dead by now if I were human, I couldn't have saved her from the truck crushing her.

One way or the other, human force of nature, supernatural force of vampire, it drove us apart.

I have to stop writing about Bella, every time I start a sentence and finish it, it never makes sense. It's always the same context, the same luring thoughts, emotions and torturous pains.

I want to be alone, I have made my family miserable by taking her away. Every thought coming from them is a reminder of my acts which reinforces the pain.

I crumble beneath the wind of the ocean and the sand in the sky.

I surrender beneath every contradiction.

I succumb beneath myself.

Edward A. Cullen

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Do you like it? Ok, please tell me what you think about it, I tried my best to capture his emotions.

Right here…somewhere… is a greenish button. ^^ press it and feed my review addiction. xD

P.S.: Check out my other stories. Plus there's a new one up.


	3. Intervention

Alice is trying an intervention. Let's see if ithelps.

Note laid into Edward's diary by Alice:

Edward,

Don't freak out! I did not read your diary.

You're not talking to any of us and this book seems to be the only thing receiving your attention at the present moment.

Edward, I know it hurts not having Bella in your life but we cannot loose you. You are my brother & I love you. Everyone in this family loves you.

All of us are worried. Just do me one favor; Talk to us. You are not alone. Maybe it feels that way but you're not. When you're ready to talk, I will be there,

Jaz will be there, Em will be there, Rose will be there, Em will be there, Esme will be there and Carlisle will be there.

We cannot afford to loose you.

Your sister,

Alice


	4. Not Perfect Me

September 16th

Dear Diary,

I am a heartless monster.

Alice on the other hand is naive. What does she know about 'hurt'? Hurt doesn't even slightly cover my state. What can she do to help me? What can any of them do? None of them can give me back Bella. It was my choice to leave her, but everything I believe in, every value that I carry in my core speaks against endangering the person that I love the most.

When I was turned, Carlisle was my family. Now Carlisle, Esme, Rose, Emmett, Alice, Jasper and Bella are my family. ...But Bella, she is one step up from that kind of family. Bella is everything that my heart urges for. I want that piece again. It doesn't make sense that the one person you should actually be with is the person you cannot be with. I want my Love back. I want to want to regret leaving Bella. But I don't. I am a Monster.

I want to cry. I want to shed tears. I don't want to be _Edward Cullen_.

There once was a boy by the name of _Edward Anthony Masen._

emerald green eyes

a crooked nose

a scar on my left knee

= Me / _The past ME_

Nowadays people have cosmetic surgery if they are not content with their appearance, if they are not happy with their eye color they purchase contact lenses. Back when I was a boy people cared just as much solemnly about voyeuristic gratification.

_I liked that scar. It was the story of me falling out of a tree. I was not perfect._

_I liked my crooked nose. I was not perfect._

_I loved my green eyes. I was not perfect._

_My character had faults, I embraced them. I was not perfect._

Then I _became perfect_. What does that mean, '_perfect_'?

Divide the word up by its latin origin; _per = to, fectus=made, completed._

_The word 'perfect' means that something is completed._

I have been made.

I cannot make myself anymore.

I am done. I don't want to be.

I probably don't make sense.

My mind is driving me crazy. I want to be ME. I want to be the core of my character. How can I achieve that?

I once was a good person.

Why do I exist?

What is my purpose?

I am supposed to feel nothing as a vampire. Am I correct? But I do feel. Carlisle's way of life gives us one thing; a conscience. This conscience allows me to experience emotions, even as a vampire. It gives me the privilege of having experienced true love.

I can't do this anymore.

It's impossible.

Edward C.


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